“Your vomit smells like anorexic girl.” Said my friend, the morning after a night of binge drinking which resulted in my throwing up on her brand new shoes.
“What does that mean?”
“It means that your vomit doesn’t stink. It smells sweet because there’s no food in your stomach.”
I felt oddly pleased with this comment.
I never worried about weight too much until I became fat. Then all of a sudden I couldn’t stop thinking about weight. Even after I lost all that weight, I couldn’t lose the mindset that I was fat.
It’s not normal or ‘mentally healthy’ to weigh yourself twice a day – but I’ve been doing so for years. My morning weight this week is 109.2lbs and my evening weight is 112.8lbs. I’m 160cms tall. Accordingly, my BMI is 19.5 or in the ‘normal’ range. I can lose 5 more pounds while still retaining a ‘normal’ BMI – one of the few objective standards of weight measurement.
I came off a two week detox recently – the same one I did last year. When I finished, I actually felt lost – I didn’t want to be done. I wanted to continue dieting. Yet remembering my ED keeps me in check about long periods of self-deprivation. Reluctantly, I’m going back to eating noodles and bread.
Adding to my existing neurosis – my entire office seems to be manically losing weight right now. A bunch of people are trying to lose 5-15 pounds by September 30th as an office challenge. Even though I’m not participating in the weight loss challenge, I can’t help but feel triggered by everyone talking about weight all the time. One co-worker went a day without eating solids. Another eats cucumbers dipped in soy sauce for lunch. After eating too much for dinner one day, another casually mentioned that she may go home and purge. “Wow. What a great idea.” I thought. All of a sudden, my eating habits appear relatively normal. Is anyone ever happy with themselves? Do we all look in the mirror every day and see only our flaws? My aunt stuffs herself at dinner and drinks laxative tea when she goes home. She’s not losing weight, but at least she’s not gaining it either. Apparently Instagram ‘it-girls’ are either vegans or phonies – they take photos of themselves at restaurants but they don’t actually eat.
Maybe I spent too many years of my young adulthood watching kpop music videos, where anyone weighing over 50kg is considered fat – regardless of height. That dreaded ’50kg and up’ is almost shameful – but when you hear about what these girls eat in a day, it ends up being something like two sweet potatoes and a cup of tea. Their joints are all messed up because they practice dancing for 8 hours a day on an empty stomach and have no muscle to cushion the harder dance moves. I want their figures, but I don’t want that life.
In any case, even though I’m not in control of my neurosis, it’s much better than it once was. Some fights are just not worth having, you know? There are things that are more productive for me to fix (like my renewed interest in alcohol this summer). So the “I need to lose weight” demon can co-exist with me for a while longer.